I Miss the Sopranos

Act I - Scene I: Interior Shot.

Old gymnasium - middle school or high school - light filters through large windows casting inconsistent shadows. As camera scans from ceiling we see basketball backboards in upright position, there are 20 - 25 people sitting in metal chairs (the old, heavy metal kind that fold, not the new plastic ones that stack). People range in age from 18 to 70 - some shabby, some blue collar, some affluent. A fat man, strangely alluring and intellectual stands in front as if giving a lecture - he speaks:

DV: My name is Don Vito.

All: (Hello Don Vito)

DV: I am a junkie. I am addicted to the Sopranos. It has been one year since I last used.

All: Applause.

I need a support group for my Soprano's addiction. I also need support for my arches and oddly enough my left nut, which is falling at such a dramatic rate that my genitalia now resembles some kind of weird pendulum for a cannibal's grandfather clock - but that's a topic for another blog (bet you can't wait).

Where was I - oh right - I was really "jonesing" for a Soprano's fix Sunday night. You see each and every Sunday night I become overwhelmed by feelings of emptiness and quiet despair. My body and my mind ache for a fix that never comes. This longing has occurred every Sunday since June 10, 2007 - the night the last episode aired.

Nothing eases my need - I have all the episodes on disc and watching them takes dulls the need for a fix but it is like taking methadone for heroin. Nothing will ever replace the real thing. I write this because I want them back, I am sick of mediocre TV and I want HBO to bring them back - don't you?

To give you a taste here are some amazing links - but I warn you it's like taking aspirin for a gun shot wound.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_Ct-yAPomU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFON1IE13Lg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIgosHvo3r4

Cubs Win! Cubs Win! For the Love of God the Cubs Win!

It has taken 100 years for the Cubs to do it!

I am not talking about the World Series here. I'm talking about another important milestone in the Cubs history. You see with their win today the Cubs will be playing in the postseason playoffs in back-to-back seasons (2007 & 2008) for the first time in 100 years.

And before I go any further - let me explain that this is not the ravings of a man that has taken one too many beers in the hot sun while sitting sans shirt in the bleachers of the friendly confines of Wrigley Field. The Cubs are not my favorite team - I am a die hard Red Sox fan - born and raised. But I really like the Cubs and I want them to win it all for the all the right reasons.

So making back-to-back postseasons is not the ultimate goal - calm down - I know that winning the World Series is the ultimate goal! I get it - I didn't just fall off the back of a turnip truck somewhere south of Salinas. I don't need any Knute Rockne / Vince Lombardi wanna-be to tell me that anything short of a championship is a failure.

I just want to give significant credit where significant credit is due. Cubs fans deserve this - and I mean real Cubs fans, not the yuppie, I'll tie my sweater around my neck, let me make a cell phone call while D Lee is batting with two outs and bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth, wondering what Vince Vaughn will sound like when he sings 'Take Me Out to the Ballgame" fans.

I mean real Cubs fans - the yeah I'd love an Old Style, who in their right fucking mind would put kethcup on a hot dog, not only does Ron Santo belong in the Hall Of Fame for being a player but put him in for being a broadcaster - Cubs fans. These people have been through sports hell and this is one of those significant milestones that should not be over looked.

I hope they win it all this year - yeah - even if they beat the Red Sox - just this once mind you.

Poor Ed Hochuli

Poor Ed Hochuli.


The muscle bound football referee (part time) and trial lawyer (full time) has had a tough week. During last Sunday's game between the Denver Broncos and the San Diego Chargers Ed Hochuli made a mistake. Jay Cutler (the Bronco's quarterback) fumbled the ball in the waning seconds of the 4th quarter and Ed Hochuli was out of position. Instead of calling the fumble, he blew his whistle. In the NFL a blown whistle means a dead ball, which in turn means a play can't be reviewed. Denver went on to score and win the game.


Most people today do not accept responsibility for their actions. Society is packed with finger pointers and excuse makers. But not Ed Hochuli - he immediately went over to the Chargers coach and apologized for missing the call. This week he (and his law firm) received hundreds of death threats and hate emails. And poor Ed Hochuli actually took the time to answer most of them personally. What Ed Hochuli had to say basically was "Officials strive for perfection - I failed miserably". He owned up to it - he admitted his failure - in the world today not only is that rare but it is damn admirable. It got me to thinking, though, about the really bad calls that judges, referees, umpires and officials have made during the time I have been a sports fan and I thought I would list the three most egregious ones here.


3. The1988 Seoul Summer Olympics' middleweight boxing final between American Roy Jones Jr. (voted "Fighter of the Decade" for the 1990's by the Boxing Writers Association) and home town boy Park Si Hun. Judging the contest were the three stooges of boxing judges; Bob Kasule of Uganda, Alberto Duran of Uruguay and Hiouad Larbi of Morocco. These three pinheads gave Park Si Hun the Gold Medal victory in front of his home crowd even though Roy Jones, Jr. beat him like a rented mule. He landed 54 more punches (Olympic boxing matches are only 3 rounds) and if there had been a 4th round he would have knocked out Hun - but the judges still awarded Hun a 3-2 decision.


2. During the 1998 NBA Finals between the Chicago Bulls and the Utah Jazz three referees (Dick Bavetta, Dan Crawford, Hue Hollins) missed one of the easiest calls in the history of basketball. The bulls were down by one point. The game was being played in Utah and there was less than 10 seconds remaining. Michael Jordan (in front of millions of fans across the world) pushed off defender Bryon Russell’s thigh. It was one of the most flagrant offensive fouls ever committed. Russell fell to the ground and Jordan made one of the most famous 20-foot jump shots of his career. A play that is still shown to this day in Gatorade commercials (not the foul, just the jump shot).


1. And finally the worst call ever made was during the 1998 NFC Wild Card game between the Green Bay Packers and the San Francisco 49ers. To 49er fans this game was decided by a play that became known as "The Catch II" and to Packer fans this became known as the catch that should never have happened. Down by four points, the 49ers moved into Packer territory with less than one minute remaining. On a second-down play, Jerry Rice made a reception on a short crossing route and fumbled. Replays showed that the ball had slipped from Rice’s grasp before either of his knees had made contact with the ground, but the official ruled that Rice was down prior to losing control of the ball. With a few seconds remaining the 49ers completed the comeback as quarterback Steve Young picked out Terrell Owens between five Packer defenders on a miraculous 25-yard touchdown with three seconds left. The Packers were trying to go to an NFL record third straight Super Bowl - and the referees stole it from them.

The Comeback

The sports comeback is an absolute thing of beauty. The comeback in politics, business, or life is good and a comeback to an insult is even better (unless it results in your teeth getting kicked in) but nothing compares to a comeback in sports. And no sport even comes close to baseball when you discuss the beauty of a comeback. Sure many of you will instantly talk about the great football comebacks. Elway and the Broncos in the 1986 AFC Championship Game was so amazing it is known to every football historian simply as "THE DRIVE". Most of you however will immediately say that the greatest football comeback was the 1992 AFC wild card game played in Rich Stadium on January 3, 1993. The Bills trailed by a score of 35 - 3 to the Houston Oilers (yeah - Houston - before they moved to Tennessee) and were without future Hall of Famers' Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas. Buffalo's back-up quarterback Frank Reich threw four touchdown passes, the last three to Andre Reed, to propel Buffalo into a 35-35 tie. The game went into overtime, when Steve Christie's 32-yard field goal sealed a stupendous victory for the Bills. Not Bad. Now I hear all the basketball fans shouting about the great basketball comebacks like the 2005 NCAA Regional Final in Chicago. The Arizona Wildcats led by Channing Frye and company built a 15-point lead going into the final four minutes. It seemed dire for the Fighting Illini - but their three-guard attack (Luther Head, Dee Brown and Deron Williams) made shot after shot. Then Deron Williams, with 39 seconds on the clock, sank a 3 point shot from Milwaukee to send the game into overtime. In the end it was Illinois 90, Arizona 89.

When I asked my father what he thought was the greatest comeback in sports he didn't even hesitate - he said it was during the 1972 Olympics when Finland's most famous policeman, Lasse Viren, was competing in the 10,000-meter final against a great field that included America's Frank Shorter. On lap 12 (by the way there are 25 laps in the 10,000 meter run - good bar trivia bet for beers) Viren tripped and fell after crossing feet with Frank Shorter. Get it - he fell down - he looked up, got up and in the most incredible fashion he proceeded to run the next two-and-a-half-laps in a manner that still echoes in Olympic folklore. Viren amazingly caught up to the pack after only one of those laps, and just as everyone caught their breath, he turned on the afterburners to scorch the rest of the field to bring home the gold. But I was asking about team sports not individual efforts. And in team sports no comeback compares to the baseball comeback. Why? Because in any sport but baseball a great comeback is defined by time. These sports are played according to a clock - they have a start, middle and end that is measured in minutes. This time constraint defines the comeback - makes it almost artificial. Even the overtimes are ruled by time. The comeback in baseball is artistic. It's beauty lies in the fact that there are no time constraints. There is nothing artificial about a baseball comeback - it is earned in a manner that is never the same like the sudden death scenario of football or the shootout in hockey. In baseball the comeback can occur slowly - 1 run per inning. It can also happen all at once with a 5 run inning. It can occur with one swing of a bat, one mistaken pitch or it can take 30 minutes as pitchers are relieved and substitutions made. No set time frame. And in an era when time is considered by many to be the most important measure of success; baseball just takes it's time - how refreshing.

Dog Names

Kurt Koffka (the father of Gestalt psychology - b 1886 / d 1941) was asked why his pet Dachshund was named Max. He replied, "The first one was named Max. When he died I got another, and I gave him a different name. Yet he looked like Max, and he acted like Max and sometimes I found myself calling him Max. So I said to myself, if he wants to be Max then he is Max. So when I get a Dachshund puppy I know that sooner or later they will turn into Max. That is because in their genes they are all Max, and that is who I wish to live with".

I know nothing about Gestalt psychology, nor do I know anything about what Gestalt psychology has done to further the understanding of the human mind. In fact, I have never heard of Kurt Koffka - the man that founded this school of psychological thought. However, I do know one thing about him - he was the laziest asshole that ever walked the earth.

Hmmm - According to Gestaltists or Gestaltanians all women should be called Eve, all men should be called Adam and all transgender people should be called …. Pat. I picture this senile old German guy. He stinks of spent tea bags and moldy pipe tobacco. He aimlessly paces back and forth, wearing moth eaten slippers and worn flannel pajama bottoms. He scrathes at imaginary itches while his flaccid johnson flaps in and out of his open fly. All the while he is dragging his dead dog behind him on a leash while muttering "good boy Max, good boy.

However, reading his quote this morning made me think of the rules that must be followed when naming a dog. You are probably not familiar with them, as they have never been published before. They were found wrapped in muslin, sealed in wax, hidden under a rock pile deep in the Judean hills. They were discovered by me - that's right - Indiana fucking Don Vito while on vacation. What was I doing on vacation in the middle of a desert? Well, avid readers that is a topic for another conversation. Anywho, I took them to the St. Ain Home for Malnourished Biblical Scholars in Lubbock, Texas and after accepting my check for $22.50 they verified that these commandments were handed to Moses by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-Or-Those-Fucking-People-Will-Turn-Up-On-Your-Doorstop-With-Pamphlets.

Well - after reading Kurt the "Wind Sock" Koffka's quote this morning, I knew that the time was right to publish these three dog naming Commandments. They are:

I. Thou Shall Not Let A Child Name A Dog

Speaks for itself – I mean for the love of God aren’t there enough Champs, Sparkys, Fluffys, Buddys, Baileys, Ladys, Rustys, Dukes, Daisys or Maggies? And if I meet one more fucking poodle named Ariel I may violate at least four of the original Ten Commandments.

II. Thou Shall Not Name A Dog After A Famous Person, Animal, Place or Object

Oh you named your bulldog "Winston". How incredibly imaginative - you should quit your job and become an inventor. That collie's name is Lassie? How long did it take you to dream that up? I bet you would really enjoy this book on Gestalt Psychology - why don't you put on your flannels, make a cup of tea and enjoy. So, let me make this clear - no Dianes, Harleys, Dakotas,etc.

III. Thou Shall Not Name A Dog Anything You Can't Yell In Public

Self explanatory. One time at band camp (yeah I said it) I had a friend that named his Chihuahua "Puta". He thought it was hilarious. Until we had to go to a lake for a picnic. I don't know when the last time you went to a public park and looked around at the people there, but needless to say a skinny white guy running around yelling "PUTA" at the top of his lungs was really uncomfortable. Especially for him, as it took an entire team of Viennese Surgeons 4 months to remove the Chihuahua from his rectum.

That's it - so go out, get a dog and follow these rules - you won't be disappointed.

What's that? Oh - good question. Were there any commandments for naming cats? Of course not, who would be stupid enough to name a cat? Just call it "Cat" - that's what is.