Dog Names

Kurt Koffka (the father of Gestalt psychology - b 1886 / d 1941) was asked why his pet Dachshund was named Max. He replied, "The first one was named Max. When he died I got another, and I gave him a different name. Yet he looked like Max, and he acted like Max and sometimes I found myself calling him Max. So I said to myself, if he wants to be Max then he is Max. So when I get a Dachshund puppy I know that sooner or later they will turn into Max. That is because in their genes they are all Max, and that is who I wish to live with".

I know nothing about Gestalt psychology, nor do I know anything about what Gestalt psychology has done to further the understanding of the human mind. In fact, I have never heard of Kurt Koffka - the man that founded this school of psychological thought. However, I do know one thing about him - he was the laziest asshole that ever walked the earth.

Hmmm - According to Gestaltists or Gestaltanians all women should be called Eve, all men should be called Adam and all transgender people should be called …. Pat. I picture this senile old German guy. He stinks of spent tea bags and moldy pipe tobacco. He aimlessly paces back and forth, wearing moth eaten slippers and worn flannel pajama bottoms. He scrathes at imaginary itches while his flaccid johnson flaps in and out of his open fly. All the while he is dragging his dead dog behind him on a leash while muttering "good boy Max, good boy.

However, reading his quote this morning made me think of the rules that must be followed when naming a dog. You are probably not familiar with them, as they have never been published before. They were found wrapped in muslin, sealed in wax, hidden under a rock pile deep in the Judean hills. They were discovered by me - that's right - Indiana fucking Don Vito while on vacation. What was I doing on vacation in the middle of a desert? Well, avid readers that is a topic for another conversation. Anywho, I took them to the St. Ain Home for Malnourished Biblical Scholars in Lubbock, Texas and after accepting my check for $22.50 they verified that these commandments were handed to Moses by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-Or-Those-Fucking-People-Will-Turn-Up-On-Your-Doorstop-With-Pamphlets.

Well - after reading Kurt the "Wind Sock" Koffka's quote this morning, I knew that the time was right to publish these three dog naming Commandments. They are:

I. Thou Shall Not Let A Child Name A Dog

Speaks for itself – I mean for the love of God aren’t there enough Champs, Sparkys, Fluffys, Buddys, Baileys, Ladys, Rustys, Dukes, Daisys or Maggies? And if I meet one more fucking poodle named Ariel I may violate at least four of the original Ten Commandments.

II. Thou Shall Not Name A Dog After A Famous Person, Animal, Place or Object

Oh you named your bulldog "Winston". How incredibly imaginative - you should quit your job and become an inventor. That collie's name is Lassie? How long did it take you to dream that up? I bet you would really enjoy this book on Gestalt Psychology - why don't you put on your flannels, make a cup of tea and enjoy. So, let me make this clear - no Dianes, Harleys, Dakotas,etc.

III. Thou Shall Not Name A Dog Anything You Can't Yell In Public

Self explanatory. One time at band camp (yeah I said it) I had a friend that named his Chihuahua "Puta". He thought it was hilarious. Until we had to go to a lake for a picnic. I don't know when the last time you went to a public park and looked around at the people there, but needless to say a skinny white guy running around yelling "PUTA" at the top of his lungs was really uncomfortable. Especially for him, as it took an entire team of Viennese Surgeons 4 months to remove the Chihuahua from his rectum.

That's it - so go out, get a dog and follow these rules - you won't be disappointed.

What's that? Oh - good question. Were there any commandments for naming cats? Of course not, who would be stupid enough to name a cat? Just call it "Cat" - that's what is.